Hillsong United - Holy Holy Holy

So, so, so incredibly blessed

So yesterday I ended up going to watch the Benfica-Barcelona at the stadium. Dinner. Movie.

In great company with a good Christian friend.

Not the day that I had planned, at all.

But the Holy Spirit has been convicting me to be encouraging, and this guy wanted to see a Barcelona game badly, and this was clearly the best soccer game he would have an opportunity to watch live, while he's in Portugal.

It was incredible to see his face light up when we bought the tickets, after we were told by a scammer there were no more tickets for sale. Just incredible.

That's what we're in this Earth to do, to show love to others, you know? To see their faces light up, sacrificing ourselves, our time and our possessions without wanting anything in return.

I'm still mourning some things going on my life, I still have my huge struggles, but that's not a reason to stop. God is still amazing. God still keeps His promises. We just have to trust Him. He knows what we need, so much better than we do.

Besides, I can see how being single allows me to turn so much extra time to God and what He needs out of me. Catholic church isn't completely wrong on that view of celibacy. Now, I don't mean to be single all my life, it says in the bible "It's not God for man to be alone" before God created woman. I do hope God blesses me with a wife and a family, but I can wait if He wants me to keep my focus on Him, on others, and my Christian growth for the time being.

Don't know what else to write about. I've been really hungry to write on my Novel. Great chapters coming up. Just need to find the time to sit and write them.

God bless y'all this week.

Francis Chan

Francis Chan is amazing as well.

Matt Chandler

Christianity is not the religion of Prosperity and nothing else.


Matt Chandler is solid.

What's going on?

Random snaps:

- Decided to drop out of University. I'll find what, where, how, I'm going to do, and after that, I'll get my studies and complements to that.

The other way around just wasn't working.

- That being said, right now my focus is on Sports-related Entrepreneurship.

Still don't know exactly what, where, how, but I'm working on it. I do believe God's sending some signals I'm on the right path. The way my trip to the US is shaping up is the major one of them.

- There has been a couple of down, lazy days here and there, but my life has been a chaos of responsibilities piling up. So many good things. And I keep saying this: everything just falls in place, every cranny filed with a meeting, practice, work, worship, hanging out with friends. There's an intelligence behind all these things falling in place, carefully stacked. There's just too much coincidence for it to be just that. God keeps answering my prayers, directing and organizing my life.

- Spiritually, God's been showing me how incredibly blessed and spoiled I am. Not just what's mentioned above, not just the incredible feeling of fulfillment of living a life to Him, but every little thing I take for granted when I wake up in the morning and go to bed at night.

Having amazing, loving parents, friends who flock to me, even when I don't remember them, having food, WATER, car, gas, HEALTH, hobbies, security, a RELATIONSHIP with Him, WORK(!).

Some of these things I now look to in wonder! WOW! My parents give me so much, they are absolutely stunning people, they spoil me as if I was an only child. Going to bed at night without feeling hungry, being able to spend money on restaurant food, spending money on crappy snacks, WOW WOW, do you have any idea how lucky that is on this world?? During these tough times having a car and money to put gas in it, allowing me to go wherever I want without needing to think twice if I have the money to do it... Health! Not only I was born with perfect health, but I play a sport that is a constant hazard to my well-being, and yet, I can go through my days without almost any repercussions of that. Some soreness here and there, but it could be so much worse. Having some spare times to watch Football, some Tv Shows, youtube videos, to spend with friends. Being born in a country where I don't have to fear for my life or for my faith. The fact God chased me to be a part of Him, and I was able to see this. How He's been teaching the Truth about this world! Wow! Work! Lately I'm being called for work even when my supervisors only need 3 or 4 people! I'm being placed in front of 100 something people! 

Dang!

I'm so spoiled!!!! How can I ever want or desire anything more? And yet I do, and I ask ask ask, giving Him barely my obedience...

Knowing I'm such an ungrateful brat should make me feel like crap, and it does... Then I remember, the fact that I'm a sinner is a given. The fact that I know it, and I'm completely willing to let Him change me, is what matters.

It's not easy. Every day I'm more and more convinced the path I chose is so effing hard! I almost would rather my friends didn't have to go through this. But it's the only right path. Everything else is just sand and vanishes way too soon.

"What's it worth for a man to gain everything in this world, and forfeit his soul?"

I'm so incredibly blessed... Dang!

Ok, ok, maybe I'm forgetting a bit about this blog.

Not completely, though! :)

Didn't forget about this blog

Today took care of the paperwork for my passport and I bought a smartphone.

Yes, my world reached this point.

Wow. Couldn't guess in a million years one day I'd say that.

Life is an amazing gift.

God is incredible.

More random thoughts

At least while I don't write something decent.

- BATMAN IS BLOODY AWESOME.

- I need to revamp this blog. The whole Christian-centered theme is going to get bigger. Oh yes it is.

- I completely lost track of what the hey is going on in my life. So many peaks and valleys... Dang...

But God keeps his promises. Every day there's something incredibly special that happens, every night he reassures me in my prayers.

I have been tested in a lot of ways though. It has been hard. And it's not even close to be finished.

I've been terrified a lot. Literally frozen with fear. Then the time comes and... Somehow somewhere I preserve. He's with me. I know it'll continue like that. I trust Him completely.

Dayummm

I haven't written here in a long long time.

I've been writing, a lot (!), just not here.

First of all, I need to say something that has been on my mind for the longest time: the part of that post where I go on a rant about smart phones... Is stupid. I won't erase it, but let's just make sure everyone knows it.

Now, what has been going on in my life?

My days keep being filled with so many good things, oh man... So many...! I also had a week of Football Camp, that was both awesome and sucked. I'll go into detail some day later.

There's been also a lot of trials. I start to get the feeling God is pouring so many good things on my life, so fast, because there are hard times on the way. Very hard times. Hard choices, hard changes, hard sacrifices. I can see the storm on the horizon.

It's all good. What I said before, I say again: hell can break loose and God's strength inside me will keep my head up. And I'll come out of all of it stronger.

I WANT TO SEEE BATMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN.

:cryface:

(Sigh)

Hard sacrifices I tell you... ;)

Patience, Rui, patience.

Where is the love?

What's wrong with the world, mama?

People living like they ain't got no mamas

I think the whole world addicted to the drama

Only attracted to things that'll bring you trauma

Overseas, yeah, we try to stop terrorism

But we still got terrorists here living

In the USA, the big CIA

The Bloods and The Crips and the KKK

But if you only have love for your own race

Then you only leave space to discriminate

And to discriminate only generates hate

And when you hate then you're bound to get irate, yeah

Badness is what you demonstrate

And that's exactly how anger works and operates

Man, you gotta have love just to set it straight

Take control of your mind and meditate

Let your soul gravitate to the love, y'all, y'all

People killing, people dying

Children hurt and you hear them crying

Can you practice what you preach?

And would you turn the other cheek?

Father, Father, Father, help us

Send some guidance from above

'Cause people got me, got me questioning:

Where's the love? (Love)

7 and a half weeks.

Not one boring day.

I can see how God carefully stacks my days, with major and minor things. Most incredibly fascinating, some excruciatingly testing. All in all a great balance. Not more than I can take, not less than I need to grow, quickly, rightly.

Christian-like.

Yesterday I had another great day where I could use my own tests and personal experiences to encourage and help others.

Awesome feeling.

I have this confidence I've been obedient to Him, that I've been praying and following through with His plan for me, although I can't help but have some doubts here and there. After all, I am fearful, a sinner and undeserving.

This doubt helps keeping me in check. Makes sure I go through extra lengths to ensure I pay attention to His commands.

I'd just rather not fail Him. I'm so scared of doing so. I'm aware I'll fail somewhere in the future, probably a lot of times, I'm not perfect, but hopefully, if I'm paying attention, if I'm careful and I spend enough time with Him, His words, and His followers, I don't fail in anything big, and the least times possible.

On a more personal note, there's one area where He has come through for me really, really big, an area where I've struggled all my life: Love.

What I've been able to accomplish on that area, how I can look back some weeks ago and remember the pain I went through and how I was able to react out of Love, Honesty, Patience, and reach the point where I am right now...

I can't put down in words how impressed I am with myself, when I have Him on my side.

And it reassures me He'll come through in other areas I've struggled.

It's so humbling.

It's so powerful.

How can I ever repay Him and become deserving of his approval and His blessings...?

Question for the ages.

Right with God

Today's Scripture: Romans 3:12
"No one does good, not even one."

Read it online at the Bible Gateway: (NIV) (NASB) (KJV) (The Message)

In a recent runaway bestseller, the author stated, "There is only one question which really matters: Why do bad things happen to good people? All other theological conversation is intellectually diverting."

Setting aside the issue of whether only one question really matters, the Bible tells us that in light of eternity, the most important question we all face is how a sinful man or woman can come into a right relationship with an infinitely holy and just God. After all, Jesus said, "What good is it for a man to gain the whole world, yet forfeit his soul?" (Mark 8:36, NIV). Suppose a person lives his entire life experiencing nothing but prosperity and happiness, yet dies without a right relationship with God. What has he gained? Actually, he has lost everything.

Because God himself is perfectly righteous and cannot look with favor on any unrighteousness, the only way we can have a right relationship with him is to be perfectly righteous, as he is. But that's our problem, for, as Paul wrote, "There is no one righteous, not even one" (Romans 3:10, NIV).

What are we to do? Try harder? That won't help because, as Paul observed, "no one will be declared righteous in [God's] sight by observing the law; rather, through the law we become conscious of sin" (Romans 3:20, NIV). Regardless of how hard we try, we'll never attain the perfect righteousness God will accept.

So the question remains: how may we attain a right relationship with God? Happily, Paul answered it. After describing our predicament in Romans 3:20, he announced that God has provided a solution: "The righteousness of God has been manifested apart from the law . . . the righteousness of God through faith in Jesus Christ for all who believe" (verses 21-22). (Excerpt taken from The Gospel for Real Life)

Here's an idea I should think about some more: a Tumblr with stuff like this...

"Unlike Ray Lewis’ pregame dance, kneeling in prayer is universally accepted as a religious expression.

Perhaps the ultimate show of reverence and humility.

Being mocked for one’s faith is nothing new. In fact, the best-known evidence of this was Jesus being mocked at the cross.

“And the soldiers led him away inside the palace, and they called together the whole battalion. And they clothed him in a purple cloak, and twisting together a crown of thorns, they put it on him. And they began to salute him, “Hail, King of the Jews!” And they were striking his head with a reed and spitting on him and kneeling down in homage to him. And when they had mocked him, they stripped him of the purple cloak and put his own clothes on him. And they led him out to crucify him. (Mark 15:16-20)

While many sermons and Bible writers discuss the physical suffering in this passage, it is the ridicule of Jesus that I want to focus on. The crucifiers saw Jesus as a joke. In fact, historians tells us that one of the things that people did in that day was taunt those who were mentally deficient. They teased and they mocked those who were considered the “village idiots.”

The soldiers who mocked Jesus treated him as the village idiot, a lunatic who in a deluded way thinks himself to be a King and whom the Jews also try to pass off as some threat to Caesar.

So how should Christian athletes respond when they are mocked or persecuted for their faith? While persecution is not something we should pursue, when evil is spoke against you for Christ’s sake, realize that it carries with it the blessing of God. Matthew 5:11 teaches, “Blessed are you when others revile you and persecute you and utter all kinds of evil against you falsely on my account.” In fact, the next verse teaches there will be a great reward in heaven for those who are persecuted in this way.

Mocking or taunting is nothing new in sports or life. Make it your goal to glorify God when you score a touchdown or when you’re mocked for your faith. Nothing pleases the Lord more than an athlete or coach who desires to please Him with their attitude and actions regardless of the circumstances."

Source: http://www.nebraskafca.org/author/gthiessen/feed/

Ray Lewis: Living Legend.

And one amazing Christian.

What motivates you to reach out and help our youth?
RL: I'm only here to serve people. I don't play this game for wins and losses, I play this game for Hope, Faith and Love. My thing is to tell a kid: "don't do that, or these things happen", or "Don't go down that road, because that road is dark" (...) These are the things you have to learn as a Man, so why learn them if you can't share them? I fight for the man next to me.

RL: It doesn't matter about me. What matters about me is sacrificing for you, for the ultimate goal, which is us. And if I have no other legacy, I'm one of the greatest warriors, greatest servants, greatest servants to ever walk this Earth, to play on a football field. I'm honored to leave that type of legacy.

Reminder

Love. Honesty. Patience.

My last few days

(This post is from last night, it was saved on my laptop)

I slept about 16 hours total in a 5 day period (4 nights)

That's why I haven't posted anything.

Had a ton of work and so many marvelous things happening I couldn't afford to say no to anything.

Then at night I'd pray to God for energy on the next day and I'd get it (coffee also played a small hand ;))

Today I had a bunch of things to do, but they got shortened because of some misinformation on my part.

That's alright. A good day to catch up on blogs, news, magazines, do some of the stuff I'm behind on, relaxed.

Few random thoughts:

- Saturday I finally went out with a group of young Portuguese Christians.

This is very important since 90% of my Christian friends will leave Portugal before July 31st.

It was great, and it was mediocre.

Let me explain. Most of these people I met are the hipster type... And I really have a problem becoming friends with them.

The whole "I know this band and this movie, they're really underground" or "let's have a perfectly good intellectual conversation, and somehow make it about how much I know" kind of thing? The whole "let me show you what my smartphone can do".

I just don't fit in.

But some of them do seem very interesting. And if I was having a conversation alone with them i'd probably have a totally different idea.

Anyway... They're Christians and I need fellowship with other Christians. Can't be too picky right now.

And I'm truly looking forward to get to know some of these further, and others, through them.

- The whole smart phone culture is pissing me off.

While I'm still smoking (which to this point unfortunately probably will end too soon), whenever people look at me with that know-it-all face, or tell me about the health and financial costs of my vice, I'll give them a couple of facts about their idiot phones.

For example: I don't pay in 3 years of cigarettes - I don't smoke that much - what you paid for that crappy thing (plus the extra you pay monthly or yearly to have Internet plan - with these, I never pay more than you). 

Smoking is hazardous for my health, right? Cancer, right? We'll, I can show you a couple of studies about cell phones too. You'll love them.

Cell phones are a fucking pain for me, Smoking actually gives me pleasure.

Smoking is a social activity. Socializing through cell phones is stupid and counter-productive. I also have studies to back this up.

Smoking makes me look cool. Playing with my cell phone makes me look socially inept, insecure and an all-around idiot who can't get his eyes off his toy to actually look around and cherish where he is.

That's about it.

- Sunday night I had such a simple time with simple people just chilling, talking, in fellowship. I was exhausted, and yet, it felt so great I can't even explain.

- Sunday I had another amazing practice, this time playing mostly as a receiver. QBs just seemed to trust me. Muahahaha. And I was severely sleep deprived too :D

(No. It's not pride ;) Just happy about it)

A recurrent conversation

"What's wrong with you?"

"I'm... Happy. For quite some time now."

"New girlfriend?"

"Err... No. Actually, not even close."

"University going well?"

"Not really."

"What are you happy about then?"

"Those are the 2 only sources of happiness? What's wrong with YOU? I have God. Well, I've had him on my side for a long time, but after some time learning the fundamentals, I've decided to actually start dedicating myself to Him. It's been nothing short of awesome. Every day I go to bed thinking in how many different ways my next day is going to be great. What He has planned for me. Sometimes its an incredible-never-happened-to-me-before thing, sometimes it's something simple but astonishingly rewarding, sometimes it's a painful struggling moment that I pass with flying colors, sometimes it's an exhausting day of work that provides for everything else in my life."

I'm so lucky, I'm so blessed, even though I'm so undeserving, that I can't help but realize this unending Love God has for me. The only possible reaction is... Blissful Happiness.

There's also the other side of the coin. I've been incredibly blessed, it would be incredibly selfish not to share all my blessings with others. Help others in every way I can. Funny thing is... it's not a burden. It's just another reaction. When you're truly happy, you want others to feel the same. You want to be a tool of God in other people's lives. That's how the whole chain reaction works.

Of course, most of the time you hit a brick wall of Pride in others, and there's only so much you can do on that front.

Not even God can do that much, because He gave each one of us Free Will to do as we please.

My new repeat on the Ipod

"Paulina Rubio - Me Gustas Tanto"

Me gustas tanto que solo pienso en ti

Te veo pasando y no se qué decir

Me encantaría que sepas lo que siento por ti

Que no daría porque fueras sólo para mí

Aún no sé qué fue lo que me hechizó de ti

Nunca pensé que cupido me iba a flechar así

Una sola vez estuviste frente a mi

Y me enamoré en el momento en que te vi

Es lo que siento yo cuando estoy cerca de ti

Es algo químico que se apodera de mi

Será tu físico que me hipnotizó

Es irónico que no pueda decirte que me gustas tanto

Oe oe eo me gustas tanto mi amor

Oe oe eo me gustas tanto

Oe oe eo me gustas tanto mi amor

Oe oe eo me gustas tanto

I feel this need to dance. Oe oe eo!

Why does spanish language seems so awesome to me?

Question for the ages.

Women, women, women...

Some days it's hard to be single.

I mean HARD.

In Summer, with a tan and a beautiful dress... These girls... Damn...

H-A-R-D.

A girl just bumped into me while passing ahead of me, then looked back to apologize.

And BAM! beautiful smile made my heart melt.

Oh man...

There's this feeling I'll miss not knowing with how, when, where I'll meet my future wife.

The whole excitement of not knowing what tomorrow will bring...

But really? I'd rather have it as soon as possible.

Hey, right now would be awesome. :D

I just have all this passion and love and intimacy going to waste every second that passes...

But I have to trust the Big Man. Gather all the patience I don't have, and trust He'll provide, at the right time, with the right person.

Meanwhile I just have to avoid settling for anything less than I deserve, no matter how much I want to have that woman in my life.

No matter how long it takes.

Big Man will provide.

Im'ma Leadah

I'm a leader.

I'm a leader.

I'm a leader on my effing teeeeeeeeeeeam.

Oh boy do I feel on top of the world.

There's no fucking way I'm failing now.

No. Fucking. Way.

Still a couple of people feeling uneasy about it. I can sense it.

They'll get on with the program.

Even if they don't. Fuck it. There'll always be nay-sayers everywhere I go.

Oh boy do I want to face the National Champions. It's still so far away though :(

It's alright, we'll just build it up until then.

Hell, if we have enough time building up, we might just shut them out. No points for Navigators.

Better, faster, stronger.

Crusadeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeers baby!

Another bloody awesome day.

5 and a half full weeks of this.

Spent the morning and had lunch with 4 beautiful, smart, fun women. Did my volunteer work afterwards. Followed by another satisfyingly exhausting practice at the park with one of my actual best friends. A guy greater than life. An engine to all these changes in my life. A guy I know I'm a great influence in his life as well.

And I just stuffed my face with pizza.

As expected, no bitterness to be found the whole day.

Life is too good to be annoyed with pesky details.

God provides.

I need 12 hours of sleep now.

Oh wait.

I have to be up at 6 am to work a 12 hour shift followed by beach practice.

Thursday, Friday, rinse and repeat.

Still can't believe how blessed I am.

With that on my mind...

...There's one more thing I need to do before I go to bed.

Forgiveness.

I don't care how long it takes, I'm not going to bed before I put it to use.

You know what's really, really sad?

Today I realized my oldest, so-called best friends don't even believe in me anymore. In their mind, I've already failed. I'm just the same old screw-up. No chance.

I've been feeling it for a long time.

I realized it today.

I'm not going to pretend it doesn't affect me, that it's just business as usual. I'm fucking angry, I'm fucking sad. I expected much more.

What do I get?

Couple more daggers in the heart.

Because things are already too easy without my best friends shoving in my face I've failed before.

...

"We miss you"

Fuck you, you don't even know me.

...

It's just sad.

...

Heartache doesn't even feel that bad anymore... lol

...

You know what's important here, though?

What's really on my mind?

I meant what I said about these tests. 5 weeks ago I made a decision. No stopping. No turning back.

Hell can break loose.

I'll take it.

I'll push through.

I'll come out the other end. Stronger than ever.

Want to know how I'm so sure?

You guessed it.

"No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it. "

Yellowcard - Everywhere

'Cause you're everywhere to me 

And when I close my eyes it's you I see 

You're everything I know 

That makes me believe 

I'm not alone 

I recognize the way you make me feel 

It's hard to think that 

You might not be real 

I sense it now, the water's getting deep 

I try to wash the pain away from me 

Away from me

'Cause you're everywhere to me 

And when I close my eyes it's you I see 

You're everything I know 

That makes me believe 

I'm not alone 

I'm not alone

Another amazing day

I was feeling kinda lazy so I didn't want to practice with pads, but then I was so annoyed by everyone I just put them on, and did an awesome practice. For 2 hours playing Cornerback I did 1 (!) stupid mistake, while guarding the 2 best receivers of our team.

3 Interceptions, 1 of them for a Touchdown and another one close to it (I was exhausted and fooling around by the end of the play).

Then such a great time of fellowship with my teammates, before, during and after the Portugal game.

Also had the talk about directing Social Causes, and it's mine. Time to start making contacts now.

I'm so excited about it.

Got home, and of course, everything calms down and stupid thoughts start swarming my head.

I'm praying for 10mins asking God what's the problem with me, why I have this pattern with women. What I'm doing wrong, because I truly don't understand it. I've tried everything.

Then, bam! facebook message. "Want to meet this week?"

Sure!

Text. "Can we meet on Wednesday?"

Absolutely.

Text. "We'd love if you come with us to Rossio on Tuesday."

It'll be difficult but I'll find the time to meet you there for a while.

Text. "Hey we should meet sometime this week"

haha! I don't know exactly where I'll find the time, but I'd love to.

All this in the space of 5 mins.

The heavenly message was clear: "Don't think about it Rui. I got it covered."

Meanwhile my week is completely booked, doing good things surrounded by good people. Only a few crannies left... Which are important because I have some stuff I need to do at home.

Some graffiti wisdom

Few more random ideas swirling in my head

- Heartache fucking sucks.

Seriously.

I know I have to give time to Time, and all that...

But this fucking sucks.

I'm not going to say this is the worst pain in the world, because it's not.

But it's fucking annoying.

That's what I have to say about it.

- I had a friend trying to catch up with how things are going with me through my cell phone.

What??!

It's not a secret at all I hate that object (and I know the weight of that word). I'm not going to sustain any relationship based on that devil's invention.

If anything in the modern era has gone horribly wrong is the cell phone. (Shit, even evil Facebook stays at home when you go out)

Something that was supposed to make you contactable and closer to everyone in your life has become the central point of relationships. "I have to answer" "Why this person doesn't answer" "Oh my, this person doesn't answer, is he/she alright?" "Why is this person ignoring me?" "Where is this person?" "What is he/she doing?"

Gee... Where are the good old times where people were able to contact their friends, family and lovers without needing to be available 24/7? 

Somehow this became something we can't imagine how we could live without (even though we did, happily, for thousands of years).

And don't get me started on keeping relationships through this emotionless machine... 

If two people want to talk, they should be able to find the time to meet personally.

This is what a cell phone should be a miracle for: "Hi, want to meet tomorrow at XX hours?" "Yes let's meet at YY/No, I have ZZ, can you make it a little later?" "Hi, I'm stuck in traffic and I'll be late XX minutes" "Sorry, something came up and I have to reschedule"

All I'm saying is: my cell belongs in the bottom of the Atlantic Ocean. Unfortunately I have to play along with this charade if I want to belong to this society at all. But there's things I won't do. Society be damn.

- It's interesting that in the middle of my current situation I'm writing some great chapters on a romantic affair between two characters in my book.

Completely unrelated. It's two characters I had no idea where they were going when I created them, they had completely different uses when I started writing them (one of the was supposed to be a soulless, hateful creature), and lately I've been writing a very good story for them. I can't seem to stop writing and having great plot twists ideas for them. I know my opinion is biased, but you should know I don't like what I write that much after I've re-read it a couple hundred times, perfecting it.

These chapters, on the other hand, are shaping up to be more and more fun/good/interesting.

And they have a originalish perfect happy ending planned already. Which is more than what I can say for any of the main characters. (which makes me think I'll probably make these 2 more important in the story)

What I'm saying is... I know writers use their pain to fuel their writing... But I didn't expect that pain to be fueling great happy stories.

I think it's interesting.

- I'm starting to stop smoking.

haha. Now that's a funny story.

But the results seem to be showing themselves.

God is amazing.

I'm seriously terrified with all these amazing changes going on my life.

I KNOW things shouldn't be happening this fast, this... easily.

I'm such a terrified, faithless little creature.

Which goes back to my point: God is amazing.

Hope

Just what I was talking about.

Take it away PrimeTime.

This man is a giant.

The Ghost of Christmas Past

You know what’s scariest in this whole process?

Myself.

My experience being myself.

Knowing I’ve tried to make positive strides in my life so many times before and failed. Sometimes miserably.

It’s that voice on the back of my head whispering quietly: this is going to suck so much when the endorphins wear off and you’re uninterested about everything again, playing some stupid videogame, letting time pass, until the next “big change” in your life.

Then come those nights when I’m vulnerable for some reason and that voice becomes louder: oh boy, this is your last shot, you’re going to fail, then what?

(Again, I’m not schizophrenic, it’s not a real voice, its just a fear)

Truth is, I should be scared. Terrified. I truly am going all in with these choices I’m making in my life. (Correction: almost all in, I should be leaving my parents home if I was really going all in, but again, let’s ignore that/leave that for some other time)

I’ve basically crossed the “can’t turn back now” line. If I stop or try to turn back, I just know I’m going to be a screw up the rest of my life. All my potential, all my qualities, the difference I can be in others lives basically goes to waste.

Maybe I’m being dramatic. I don’t think so, but maybe I am.

My problem is, if I disappoint all the people I’ve been asking to trust me, if I disappoint myself, again, I don’t think I can come back from that. Not after I’ve come this far and failed again.

You’d suppose it gets easier, after 5 weeks of such amazing progress, of such perseverance, that I can’t just fail miserably again… but it doesn’t. It just gets scarier.

Again, I know myself.

Then enters God.

The supreme creator I’ve been praying every day, sometimes several times a day, to guide me and give me wisdom to stay on His path.

He gives me beautiful days and amazing opportunities, carefully stacked, every day, sometimes several times a day. He gives me strength to endure things I usually would turn my back on the first pretext. He reminds me with my conscience, the Holy Bible, and other Christians to choose my words and actions based on Honesty, Love, Patience.

He tells me my sufferings will produce perseverance, perseverance will produce character, and with character comes Hope.

And this is where I reach whenever the Ghost of Christmas Past comes knockin’: Hope.

My solace.

As long as I have Hope, as long as I have Faith, everything I’ve been building could start crumbling right now, at the same time, but I’d still have God on my side, guiding me through it, and I’d come out the other side, stronger than ever. Victorious.

Don’t believe me?

I have proof to back that up already: recently I’ve become infatuated with a girl. It struck me like lightning. It looked so promising. Now everything points that I’ll have my heart handed to me in a gazillion pieces.

Old Rui wouldn’t survive a day without disconnecting himself from everything and everyone as soon as things started to look bad on such an important front in his life. The Christian Rui? The Christian Rui is empowered by that, Christian Rui is actually more worried about the girl than himself. Christian Rui not only didn't stop, he actually started doing even more things, better things. Christian Rui uses that pain, that test, to show his true colors, what he is capable of doing, even in terrible heartache. Christian Rui knows there’s a plan and all he has to do is have Faith in God.

So if I think about it, the only legit fear I can still have is that at some point I close my heart to God, and try to do this on my own, again. Back at how I’ve failed miserably so many times before.

And that’s not going to happen.

Hear that, voice in my head?

Suck it.

Incredibly thankful and blessed.

Rui

Shabam!

And just like that. I know already.

I'm going to apply to direct social causes for my team.

It'll involve a lot of crap I usually don't like to deal with, but I think I'm up for it.

I want it.

With a little luck, hopefully, I'll get someone else to help me with it. :)

What's on my mind

How can I make the world around me better?

What can I do, now (!)?

Pride (II)

"A man who is eating or lying with his wife or preparing to go to sleep in humility, thankfulness and temperance, is, by Christian standards, in an infinitely higher state than one who is listening to Bach or reading Plato in a state of pride."

- C.S. Lewis

There's something I struggle with: Pride. 

I learned through Christianity how huge, evil and how snowball-effect it can produce in a human life. It made me laugh when I first read about it in a C.S. Lewis book, then after I became a Christian it sent shivers through my spine of how scary a truth it is.

It's the #1 reason keeping people from God, it's the #1 reason keeping us from loving one another, the #1 reason why we hurt ourselves. The ultimate spiritual sin. Some might think it's Hate (the opposite to Love), but it's not, it's Pride. Hate is just a consequence of Pride.

And I struggle with it. It's hard to rewire my human nature. It's hard to play nice when most other people I deal with aren't even aware of it. Some of them actually think Pride is something good, something you should achieve.

It's so hard.

When someone throws a big bowl of pride at you, completely unaware of it, and you have to resist not to do the same?

What about when there's someone that you really care about, someone that really messes up with your insides, when you let yourself be vulnerable to this person and they hurt you deeply? 

Hahaha! Try and not be proud then! Your blood boiling, your heart aching, your brain asking you: "You'd rather be pathetic... or be proud?". Who the fuck wants to be pathetic?

It's hard at that point to realize those two are both answers you can only see through the same lens: the lens of Pride. Only watching through pride there's only two options: either protect yourself from being hurt any further, or let yourself being hurt even further, maybe to the point of despair.

The other actual option to Pride is Love. It's realizing the other person has flaws like you. It's remembering you hurt them as well. It's remembering why you like this person in the first place, not the fact it's hurting you now. Fighting Pride with Pride will only hurt both of you further, deeper. Answering back with Love is what protects you and the other person best, it's what prevents you from despair.

Is it easy? Absolutely not. Is it painless? God, no. The more proud you are the more it'll hurt to choose love. Will it save your relationship? A relationship implies two person's choices, and you can only control one...

But it's right. Love is the only answer.

And when you do this once, twice, thrice, when you get used to do this on a regular basis, it changes you, you stop fearing Love as a source of vulnerability and inevitable pain, but instead see it as a source of pure strength. 

Unshakable, super-human strength.

You're not a Christian anymore. You're Christ-like.

I have a long, long, long way to go. But worst case scenario, eternity is my playground. 

I'll get there.

(Actually, He'll get me there, I just have to choose to let Him do it)

God bless y'all.

"Walk with the dreamers,"

Lecrae - God is Enough

Used to want a lot of things

All the stuff that's on TV

Education, cars and clothes

Fashion lights, and jewelry

(Focused on the wrong stuff)
Now I got my eyes on You and now i know that

God is enough
God is enough
God is enough
You are enough
 Never too much
 More than enough
 God is enough
 You are enough for me

Yes, this is Christian Hip Hop. And pretty good too.

Can't say enough

How amazing things are coming up, even in these trying times.

Every day more and more sure I'm doing the right things.

Even if it's so hard at some points.

Yesterday I also realized I'm truly becoming a leader on my team. How incredible is that? I always felt I had it in me, just never put the hard work into it. Looking back I feel sad I hadn't put myself into other things that could've used that, then again, if I did, I wouldn't be at this point in my life.

Exams are coming up and it's time to test if I can put my money where my mouth is, on that front as well.

God willing, I will.

Everyday is a blessing.

A promise

Full suit on. Golf club. My cell phone flying to the bottom of the Ocean.

Soon.

Life is good.

It's funny how on these trying times, good things keep piling up, fitting perfectly into an already packed schedule.

And it's all so effing wonderful.

Even if I was an atheist, I'd be suspicious of all these coincidences.

Life is good.

God is amazing.

"Push through, soldier."

What goooes aroound

Understand that what goes around comes around

And i don't ever wanna come down

Baby, tell me it's time to go

Tell me i gotta leave, then tell me i gotta stay

Tell me i'm all you need (x2)

(...)

Puttin' on a show until everything is sold out
Man, i'm chillin' wit' jays, 'ye's, and common senses
It's crazy when legends are peers and your competition
I would hate to be a almost nigga
I call ya that, 'cause you gossip like y'all almost bitches
You know, went to school with jay, and was almost jigga
Or hooped against lebron and would almost get 'im
Y'all niggas make me realize how good almost isn't
Would hate to look back on my life and say "i almost did it"

And a song...

...That got me through last night: "Foo Fighters - Times Like These"

I, I'm a new day rising

I'm a brand new sky that

Hang the stars upon tonight

I, I'm a little divided

Do I stay or run away

And leave it all behind

It's times like these

You learn to live again

It's times like these

You give and give again

It's times like these

You learn to love again

It's times like these

Time and time again.(4x)

Can I have a teenage girl wisdom moment?

Here it is:

Actually, it's pretty good wisdom.

So what's new?

Each of my days is a fricking roller coaster, something amazing happens in the morning or the afternoon and then something seriously screwed up hits me in the mouth at night.

Of course, the bad things seem to take much more out of me and steal the thunder of the good ones.

Argh.

Few random thoughts:

- Yesterday I got a good night of sleep, that hadn't happen in... God knows how long.

- Sunday 50% of my close Christian friends left to the U.S.

- Lately I can't stay at home for more than 1 hour at a time (aside from sleeping).

Stupid anxiety.

- I saw "Cosmopolis", it has its moments, but all in all a waste of my money.

- I haven't done so much exercise since... Ever? I'm sore all over and I keep pushing it. Couple nights ago I had cramps on my arms (!!!) yes, I woke up without feeling my left arm at all. It would be hilarious if I wasn't so scared to death: me, using my right arm trying to move my left one, for about 20secs, without any feeling, movement, then a stabbing pain shooting down my arm as I regained a bit of movement at a time.

I can't forget to stretch so much.

(...)

It seems like a darkish painting of my life right now, but I'm still confident I'm on the right path. Like I said, the screwed up things seem to overshadow the good ones, and those under construction, at least for now.

Love, Honesty, Patience.

Boy, is this hard.

Bible quote

"Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us."

Romans 5, 3-5

Besides,

Today I shared my faith with a 18yr kid.

That was sick (in a good way). Every question this kid asked, I got that weird feeling of "Dejá vú" because I asked all those questions before too.

It was like my 4month ago self was asking those questions and my new self was answering them now. Unbelievable.

I mean, this kid is an amateur at Atheism, I'd hear his question, add even more reasons to his argument, laugh because of the "Dejá Vú" feeling and only then answer with my current view on the issue.

It's also amazing a 18yr old is so interested in Religion, Politics, Economy.

Goosebumps, I tell you.

I hope his curiosity keeps on. I felt myself growing spiritually too as I was talking to him. Very, very interesting.

Then again, Patience is necessary. I can't make choices for other people. All I can do is speak and act out of love and honesty.

(Again, I need to remind myself of it)

Today...

... was a good day.

Could have been better if I wasn't fighting all these urges, there are all these things I want and I want them now.

But it was a good day.

You know, there's this dark me that keeps pulling at me, screaming how easy it would be to just say, do, think, selfish things.

"It would be much easier if you do this, if you say that, think about yourself first, everyone else does too."

Sorry, no. Go away. That's not me before, that's certainly not me now.

"See? You get nothing this way. You're going to end up lonely and hurt"

Nope. When you plant seeds you have to wait to reap the fruits. Patience is a virtue I want to build on. Love is now the only answer I want to give, EVEN, yes, EVEN when I'm hurt and/or feeling lonely.

"You can't be serious. I'm not even going to talk to you anymore"

Ok, see you in 5 minutes then?

Haha, I look like a schizophrenic person. No, but seriously, trying to be good is soooo hard. I need to emphasize that a lot to remind me of it.

And for someone with a big imagination it's so easy to try to rationalize selfish decisions, I have to retrace those thoughts to the question: "Am I acting and speaking out of love and honesty?".

60 minutes on... "Sugar"

(Actually, 15minutes :p)


Think about this. And if you have the time, read Mike Geary's comment on the video here: http://www.truthaboutabs.com/toxic-sugar.html

(Now on to do all the things I won't be able to in the next few days.)

Still on the truck hitting thing

I was hit by a truck, and then a big strong dude helped me get up, cleared the dust off my shoulders, and BAM! he slams me right in the stomach. Left hook right in the money.

Again, metaphorically.

Just trying to paint you a picture.

My stomach's been killing me all night. It's much better now. But there's still a little pinch.

I'm juggling a lot of balls in the air right now. A lot of things adding up for the near future. It's weird I don't feel overwhelmed or with that feeling of "I wish I had some time to just relax and do nothing", I get more and more convinced of the "Hard Work mentality" sinking in.

I'm really happy.

Don't get me wrong, I'm still terrified with all this.

But happy.

Confident.

This feels right.

I was run over by a truck today

Metaphorically, don't worry.

Still, the feeling is the same.

I may have to stop writing for a while to fit all of today in my head.

Here's more music I'll miss

I know, the blog is getting a bit wall-of-text and music heavy. I'll balance it out. No worries.

Houston, I have a problem.

Let me see if I can explain it in words:

*Clear throat*
Last night I let the party get the best of me
Waking up in the morning: two hoes laying next to me
Plus I heard an officer arrested me
Good weed and cold drinks: that's the motherfucking recipe
Nigga and we roll deep, so deep
It's going down in this bitch: concrete
We gon party all night: no sleep
Tell the owner them is all my guys
So tonight everything is on me


*Clear throat again*

Here's what I'm actually trying to say: life is gooooooooooooood.

Like I've been saying for months, maybe years: you never know who where when you'll end up with. Just gotta make the best out of it. Don't assume you have the best or the worse yet.

I'm excited. I'm enjoying what I have now, knowing there's so much more to come. The good, the bad and the amazing.

Let's try to explain it in some other terms:

No driving, no sleeping
Live it up like it's the weekend
When the DJ play the right song
Gonna drink, gonna party all night long

So, yeah, I do have some problems, some things I can't get out of my head. But I've learned long ago there's only so much I can do. Other people and Time play a major role.

Shh.

Just...

More random thoughts

I like these random thoughts idea.

It's good so I don't overextend talking about something, it allows me to tackle some of the major thoughts of the day, reflecting upon them, allowing me to re-read and re-think them, and it allows me to write about my day without going into much detail, which I think it's irrelevant. This is not a diary.

- Damn.

Damn!

Damn...

Damn.

Yeah that's basically it.

Fricking "Damn".

- Moving on to the next phase is going to be tough, it's going to be lonely and full of doubts. We all know that.

I just guess I wasn't prepared for horrible-amazing-bittersweet moments.

Each day that passes I feel more prepared and certain I'm doing the right thing.

I just added 1 day for my life Top 10 (so far).

And all because acting and speaking out of honesty and love seems to pay.

Also, I'm pretty sure God is playing a hand in this. Seriously. These things wouldn't happen to me. Not with all this timing.

At least they never did. I can only observe in amazement all the blessings he's showing to me. Even in these hard times.

- My future is also starting to be unveiled to me. Maybe it's just a feeling, maybe it's a mirage, maybe I'm completely wrong, but it feels like it. It's dim and it's foggy, but to a good observer half a shape should be enough.

I should say though, my limited experience tells me it takes some time for God to work me. So I'll keep my certainties and my hunches in their place.