Pride (II)

"A man who is eating or lying with his wife or preparing to go to sleep in humility, thankfulness and temperance, is, by Christian standards, in an infinitely higher state than one who is listening to Bach or reading Plato in a state of pride."

- C.S. Lewis

There's something I struggle with: Pride. 

I learned through Christianity how huge, evil and how snowball-effect it can produce in a human life. It made me laugh when I first read about it in a C.S. Lewis book, then after I became a Christian it sent shivers through my spine of how scary a truth it is.

It's the #1 reason keeping people from God, it's the #1 reason keeping us from loving one another, the #1 reason why we hurt ourselves. The ultimate spiritual sin. Some might think it's Hate (the opposite to Love), but it's not, it's Pride. Hate is just a consequence of Pride.

And I struggle with it. It's hard to rewire my human nature. It's hard to play nice when most other people I deal with aren't even aware of it. Some of them actually think Pride is something good, something you should achieve.

It's so hard.

When someone throws a big bowl of pride at you, completely unaware of it, and you have to resist not to do the same?

What about when there's someone that you really care about, someone that really messes up with your insides, when you let yourself be vulnerable to this person and they hurt you deeply? 

Hahaha! Try and not be proud then! Your blood boiling, your heart aching, your brain asking you: "You'd rather be pathetic... or be proud?". Who the fuck wants to be pathetic?

It's hard at that point to realize those two are both answers you can only see through the same lens: the lens of Pride. Only watching through pride there's only two options: either protect yourself from being hurt any further, or let yourself being hurt even further, maybe to the point of despair.

The other actual option to Pride is Love. It's realizing the other person has flaws like you. It's remembering you hurt them as well. It's remembering why you like this person in the first place, not the fact it's hurting you now. Fighting Pride with Pride will only hurt both of you further, deeper. Answering back with Love is what protects you and the other person best, it's what prevents you from despair.

Is it easy? Absolutely not. Is it painless? God, no. The more proud you are the more it'll hurt to choose love. Will it save your relationship? A relationship implies two person's choices, and you can only control one...

But it's right. Love is the only answer.

And when you do this once, twice, thrice, when you get used to do this on a regular basis, it changes you, you stop fearing Love as a source of vulnerability and inevitable pain, but instead see it as a source of pure strength. 

Unshakable, super-human strength.

You're not a Christian anymore. You're Christ-like.

I have a long, long, long way to go. But worst case scenario, eternity is my playground. 

I'll get there.

(Actually, He'll get me there, I just have to choose to let Him do it)

God bless y'all.