The Ghost of Christmas Past

You know what’s scariest in this whole process?

Myself.

My experience being myself.

Knowing I’ve tried to make positive strides in my life so many times before and failed. Sometimes miserably.

It’s that voice on the back of my head whispering quietly: this is going to suck so much when the endorphins wear off and you’re uninterested about everything again, playing some stupid videogame, letting time pass, until the next “big change” in your life.

Then come those nights when I’m vulnerable for some reason and that voice becomes louder: oh boy, this is your last shot, you’re going to fail, then what?

(Again, I’m not schizophrenic, it’s not a real voice, its just a fear)

Truth is, I should be scared. Terrified. I truly am going all in with these choices I’m making in my life. (Correction: almost all in, I should be leaving my parents home if I was really going all in, but again, let’s ignore that/leave that for some other time)

I’ve basically crossed the “can’t turn back now” line. If I stop or try to turn back, I just know I’m going to be a screw up the rest of my life. All my potential, all my qualities, the difference I can be in others lives basically goes to waste.

Maybe I’m being dramatic. I don’t think so, but maybe I am.

My problem is, if I disappoint all the people I’ve been asking to trust me, if I disappoint myself, again, I don’t think I can come back from that. Not after I’ve come this far and failed again.

You’d suppose it gets easier, after 5 weeks of such amazing progress, of such perseverance, that I can’t just fail miserably again… but it doesn’t. It just gets scarier.

Again, I know myself.

Then enters God.

The supreme creator I’ve been praying every day, sometimes several times a day, to guide me and give me wisdom to stay on His path.

He gives me beautiful days and amazing opportunities, carefully stacked, every day, sometimes several times a day. He gives me strength to endure things I usually would turn my back on the first pretext. He reminds me with my conscience, the Holy Bible, and other Christians to choose my words and actions based on Honesty, Love, Patience.

He tells me my sufferings will produce perseverance, perseverance will produce character, and with character comes Hope.

And this is where I reach whenever the Ghost of Christmas Past comes knockin’: Hope.

My solace.

As long as I have Hope, as long as I have Faith, everything I’ve been building could start crumbling right now, at the same time, but I’d still have God on my side, guiding me through it, and I’d come out the other side, stronger than ever. Victorious.

Don’t believe me?

I have proof to back that up already: recently I’ve become infatuated with a girl. It struck me like lightning. It looked so promising. Now everything points that I’ll have my heart handed to me in a gazillion pieces.

Old Rui wouldn’t survive a day without disconnecting himself from everything and everyone as soon as things started to look bad on such an important front in his life. The Christian Rui? The Christian Rui is empowered by that, Christian Rui is actually more worried about the girl than himself. Christian Rui not only didn't stop, he actually started doing even more things, better things. Christian Rui uses that pain, that test, to show his true colors, what he is capable of doing, even in terrible heartache. Christian Rui knows there’s a plan and all he has to do is have Faith in God.

So if I think about it, the only legit fear I can still have is that at some point I close my heart to God, and try to do this on my own, again. Back at how I’ve failed miserably so many times before.

And that’s not going to happen.

Hear that, voice in my head?

Suck it.

Incredibly thankful and blessed.

Rui