New entry

So much to say.

I'm not going to bother writing another update. Let's just summarize by saying I'm slowly getting things done, focusing on trying to understand what exactly God wants for my life.

You know? When I became a Christian, there's this huge burden that was lifted off of me, slowly but surely, I picked up more things to hang on my shoulders. It's hard to deprogram my whole life, the way I see things, the way I think...

I read on C. S. Lewis that you never know how hard it is to be good until you try to do it. It's so true. It's so hard. It's depressing. You fail and fail again until a point where your self-esteem just plummets. Is this what I wanted for my life? I could have that back in my old life... I had plenty of things to put me down without the knowledge of how broken I am, how powerless I am.

It's scary too.

I got to a point where I think I just don't know anything, anymore. All my education, all my wits and intelligence, they mean nothing, all the traps in my life I was so sure I avoided, all the things I think I can do if I put my mind and my hard work into it... Nothing anymore.

I'm this 24 yr old terrified kid living life day by day, doesn't know what he's going to do next week, doesn't feel like leaving home to do anything, hoping he has his heart open every day for God to change him, trying not to care how long it takes.

(...)

I have an American Football playoff game tomorrow. Since a couple weeks ago I've been promising to a bunch of people I'll be there for the whole playoff run, and ever since the first promise I've been thinking how I want to get out of it, find a lie to skip it and just stay at home. 

I won't. I'll show up and suck up the two 5hour bus trips to probably not even play (let's say the coaches aren't particularly happy I've been almost 5 weeks away). But I'll be there. I love the game and I love my team. Somehow these people became family and I don't want to disappoint them this time.

What's my point with all this?

There's no point. I don't know what to make of all this. 

But here's something to make you and myself think: I've been 4 months trying to kill pride, selfishness and egocentricity inside me, and yet, I just wrote a wall of text talking about me and my problems. God is going to have his hands full trying to change this particularly screwed up human being.