60 minutes on... "Sugar"

(Actually, 15minutes :p)


Think about this. And if you have the time, read Mike Geary's comment on the video here: http://www.truthaboutabs.com/toxic-sugar.html

(Now on to do all the things I won't be able to in the next few days.)

Still on the truck hitting thing

I was hit by a truck, and then a big strong dude helped me get up, cleared the dust off my shoulders, and BAM! he slams me right in the stomach. Left hook right in the money.

Again, metaphorically.

Just trying to paint you a picture.

My stomach's been killing me all night. It's much better now. But there's still a little pinch.

I'm juggling a lot of balls in the air right now. A lot of things adding up for the near future. It's weird I don't feel overwhelmed or with that feeling of "I wish I had some time to just relax and do nothing", I get more and more convinced of the "Hard Work mentality" sinking in.

I'm really happy.

Don't get me wrong, I'm still terrified with all this.

But happy.

Confident.

This feels right.

I was run over by a truck today

Metaphorically, don't worry.

Still, the feeling is the same.

I may have to stop writing for a while to fit all of today in my head.

Here's more music I'll miss

I know, the blog is getting a bit wall-of-text and music heavy. I'll balance it out. No worries.

Houston, I have a problem.

Let me see if I can explain it in words:

*Clear throat*
Last night I let the party get the best of me
Waking up in the morning: two hoes laying next to me
Plus I heard an officer arrested me
Good weed and cold drinks: that's the motherfucking recipe
Nigga and we roll deep, so deep
It's going down in this bitch: concrete
We gon party all night: no sleep
Tell the owner them is all my guys
So tonight everything is on me


*Clear throat again*

Here's what I'm actually trying to say: life is gooooooooooooood.

Like I've been saying for months, maybe years: you never know who where when you'll end up with. Just gotta make the best out of it. Don't assume you have the best or the worse yet.

I'm excited. I'm enjoying what I have now, knowing there's so much more to come. The good, the bad and the amazing.

Let's try to explain it in some other terms:

No driving, no sleeping
Live it up like it's the weekend
When the DJ play the right song
Gonna drink, gonna party all night long

So, yeah, I do have some problems, some things I can't get out of my head. But I've learned long ago there's only so much I can do. Other people and Time play a major role.

Shh.

Just...

More random thoughts

I like these random thoughts idea.

It's good so I don't overextend talking about something, it allows me to tackle some of the major thoughts of the day, reflecting upon them, allowing me to re-read and re-think them, and it allows me to write about my day without going into much detail, which I think it's irrelevant. This is not a diary.

- Damn.

Damn!

Damn...

Damn.

Yeah that's basically it.

Fricking "Damn".

- Moving on to the next phase is going to be tough, it's going to be lonely and full of doubts. We all know that.

I just guess I wasn't prepared for horrible-amazing-bittersweet moments.

Each day that passes I feel more prepared and certain I'm doing the right thing.

I just added 1 day for my life Top 10 (so far).

And all because acting and speaking out of honesty and love seems to pay.

Also, I'm pretty sure God is playing a hand in this. Seriously. These things wouldn't happen to me. Not with all this timing.

At least they never did. I can only observe in amazement all the blessings he's showing to me. Even in these hard times.

- My future is also starting to be unveiled to me. Maybe it's just a feeling, maybe it's a mirage, maybe I'm completely wrong, but it feels like it. It's dim and it's foggy, but to a good observer half a shape should be enough.

I should say though, my limited experience tells me it takes some time for God to work me. So I'll keep my certainties and my hunches in their place.

Kanye West - Dark Fantasy

Can we get much higher?
(So High)
Oh Oh Oh, Oh Oh Oh Oh

Another random thought

What am I so afraid of?

Everything is going to turn out just fine.

Just gotta have the guts to trust God.

I already made the leap, what's with all the doubts?

Thank you for another amazing day, Lord. I'm humbled by your blessings.

So, so, so...

Let me start by saying I'm really tired.

That's good.

Anyway.

My daily goal for now is 1k words. Today I wrote about 800. I'll make up for it tomorrow.

I'll get better at it.

Baby steps.

What else do I have to say?

Let's hit some other random thoughts worth jotting down.

- Starting a new life some place far away would suuuuuuuuck. That much I'm certain. How much lonelier does that feel? Damn.

I realize this happens to billions of people every year, but really, starting over some place far away is not what you see at the movies.

I have a new found respect for the people I know that have done it.

- Today I had an epiphany. A really sad one. I have this idea that most of my friends and family are really successful because they know what they want to do, and they're good at it... That I feel an inferiority complex to them because I'm so different from them...

Today I realized I actually feel sorry for them, I really do.

Ok, I have to tread this carefully, I love these people... but bear with me: they don't have any dreams anymore. They just follow whatever the world points them to. That's why they go nuts over the idea when I tell them maybe an University degree isn't suited for me.

I thought it was good to have these successful people around me, that it would spur me to be like them... but I understand now why I rejected time and time again this path, it's not what I want. Not in my job, not in my relationships, not in my life.

I hope at least some of them still have some dreams laying dormant, and one day they'll open their eyes to them.

Even failed dreams trump pointless careerism every time.

- I'm still really fricking undecided over leaving my parents home. I'll leave that topic for some other time. I'm sure it'll pop up again.

- Today I also realized how important it is for me to tie the loose ends in my life out of love and never out of any other feeling. There are all these feelings and impulses I have to control, and it's really hard.

And always out of truth. The impulse to coldly oversimplify or lie to end a conversation fast is also strong in my personality.

It's hard though.

Being good seems to be.

At least I'm not alone in this.

Have a good night.

I know I will.

God Bless

Few random thoughts

- A friend, the one I've realized I'll miss the most, told me on Monday how lucky I am to be in my situation. And how I need to capitalize on it. 5 years from now, I'll have responsibilities I don't have now. 10 years from now it'll be even worse. How I don't want to be the 35 year old with a midlife crisis because he doesn't like the life he has.

And I know this. Just, hearing it from someone else seemed to click something in my head.

I'm full of bullshit. I need to find more friends like this. It'll be hard though. I've been really blessed on that front, the bar is fricking high on that.

Know how I'm picky with girls? I realize I'm almost as bad with friends. Luckily the shared feeling of Friendship isn't as hard to attain as the shared feeling of love.

- I feel scared shitless of what's coming up. And I feel excited as I've never been. It's a turmoil of feelings. The sad feelings usually catch up with me at night, but I have a few ideas to battle those.

And cigarettes. Damn. I'm smoking too much.

Well, so far it's been working.

- I feel God in my life, man, it's so amazing. I'll be honest with you, sometimes I doubt it, my Faith shakes, this world had a lot of things to make you doubt and forget God... But when I take a minute to see all the amazing things I've learned and experienced during these last 4 months, it brings me to tears.

- "Nowhere Fast"'s videoclip is so awesome, haha, seriously, when I think about the 80's, about those haircuts, the greasers, the clothes, about the whole decade really, the last word on my mind to describe it is "awesome", but this videoclip... haha!! The singer with the leg banging, the two idiots with the guitars behind her with the douchebag hairdo and suits, moving their shoulders to the beat of the song... It just works...! Gosh Darnit.

Even the piano-man. Lmao! It just fucking works! haha!

Writing, Entrepreneurship, or [blank]

One of those 3 should be my thing. 

For good or for worse.

And I need to start figuring it out.

Seriously. The time is now.

Shit just got real.

(ahah I just love saying that)

No, but this is the time. No more excuses, no more delays.

I'm willing to put the hard work.

I finally need it.

Of course, knowing myself, I can foresee some down times.

Thing is, if I slow down from now on, I'll find myself wallowing in self-pity, yelling to God why won't He change my life more drastically and suddenly.

And I just don't think that's appealing.

Besides, I had a really great run enjoying my youth (although I've started enjoying in a different sustainable way already), big changes are occurring and this is THE perfect opportunity to test what I'm made of.

There's nothing like Life slapping you in the face and starting taking comforts out from under your ass for you to shape up.

Of course, if God has a different plan for me, I'll fall on my face. Which isn't cool. But if and until He does, I gotta move towards something, and assume He's okay with it.

Now, I'm still very uncertain about some things, some loose ends, still watching how they'll play out, how I react to some things, how some other people react, if it's necessary that I go all out and leave my parents home this Summer. Stuff like that. So, I'll still have some decisions to make.

But let's move on.

Writing.

Today I read my latest manuscripts (from like 2 months ago) and I found them incredibly appealing. I usually am sketchy about the things I write, but I felt really confident about it, like that story really is turning up to be something other people will enjoy.

I need to put HARD WORK into that. Really ambitious goals, and follow through with them. Let's set a deadline for coming up with that goal: Tomorrow @ midnight (and my day is full tomorrow, so this is no bullshit deadline)

Entrepreneurship.

My last attempt at this wasn't bad. But looking in retrospect, I wasn't nowhere near the readiness to put in the Hard Work it needed.

Besides, I need a partner. I need a proxy. Someone who'll keep me honest and won't let me give up. Hopefully someone who's into Entrepreneurship too, and needs the same thing from me.

Now that I think about it, I should probably have this for writing too, and it wouldn't be that hard, just a friend I ask the favor to keep me honest about tracking my goals.

But I digress.

Back to Entrepreneurship, this partnership thing is actually important, I remember reading in Guy Kawasaki's book how important this is. How most big Entrepreneurs (even the most famous ones) usually start with a partnership.

It's only human to feel overwhelmed once in a while, with a proxy, you back each other up on those down times.

Blank.

I need to see if there's something else I'm missing. Something that was always there and I never saw it. To do that, I need to get out of the house, I need to get out of my comfort zones and meeting new people, doing new stuff. I always say this, but now I know how I depend solely on myself to do it. And I will.

Hopefully I have some fun while doing this, and this way all my eggs aren't on the Writing and Entrepreneurship baskets.

That's about it.

God Bless

Finally!!

I got "Some Nights" out of my head.

My new repeat on the ipod is this:

I know, an oldie.

And a repost.

But this is sooooooooooo good.

Here it goes:

"and I don't know how I ever thought that I could make it all alone

when you only make it better

and it better be tonight

and we'll fly away on those angel wings of chrome in your daddy's car

waitin' there for you tonight

I'll be there for you tonight

even if you don't have anywhere to go

you go down on the pedal and you're ready to roll

and even if you don't have anywhere to go

you go down on the pedal and you're ready to roll

and your speed is all you'll ever need

all you'll ever need to know

darlin' darlin'...!"

It's like, it's like, it's like the damn song was tailored for me :D

And a song...

I can't get out of my effing head.

"Fun - Some Nights"

Some nights, i stay up cashing in my bad luck; 

some nights, i call it a draw

Some nights, i wish that my lips could build a castle

Some nights, i wish they'd just fall off

But i still wake up, i still see your ghost

Oh lord, i'm still not sure what i stand for

What do i stand for? what do i stand for?

Most nights, i don't know anymore

Relationships

Relationships eh?

Crazy stuff.

I think, like everyone else, I look for safety in relationships. I know it's impossible, life's too unpredictable for safety in little things, let alone something as complicated as a relationship. I don't know how, where, with whom I'll be in 3 months time.

But I try.

When relationships change, because feelings change, or simply because, hell, life changes, my habit is to cut and run. There are very few occasions I didn't do that. Part of it is being a wuss, part of it is being a proud guy who doesn't like to admit he needs anyone, and to be completely honest, part of it is waiting to see how important I am to those people. Because if I am important, someone will say something, we'll figure out how to keep our relationship even in these new, different circumstances. If not, I realize once again there's no safety in relationships.

A lot of my relationships are changing, a serious lot of people leaving, some people I wish they'd leave, some people I don't know how they're going to stay, or for how long. I admit its quite depressing.

One of the friends leaving offered me an opportunity for a fresh start a quadrillion miles from Portugal, I got choked up and he continued: "What do you have keeping you here?". That still rings in my head.

Like many decisions I made in my life, I think to myself, what would I regret the most? Saying or not saying? Trying or not trying? Doing or not doing?

Usually, "saying", "trying" and "doing" win. And so far I don't have any "what if's" in my life. My problem with this new fresh start far away from here is that I didn't even tried here yet. Sure, my life is changing a lot, all of the sudden, sure I don't have anything substantial to show yet, but I still have great things here to build on. Even with all the changes. 

Even if they seem small at this moment.

This new fresh start seems appealing and exciting, but I think I'd regret more if I didn't give an actual try to what I have here.

Besides, I know I can adapt to these new changes. Heck, I can probably use them to make some personal progress myself.

I know if I stay I'll make new friends, I'll try and experience new things, I'll fall in love with another girl.

All of the above seem pretty exciting and one alone would be enough for me to stay, all three guarantee I won't regret staying.

Although... Honestly? I'm sticking with the "I don't know anything, anymore". If God gave me a reasonably good sign to get myself on a plane to Texas, I wouldn't even say my goodbyes.

Astrophysicist Neil deGrasse Tyson

This dude is awesome.

And to change the mood...

A song :D

"Dr Dre feat T. I. - Popped Off"

"See a party ain't a party 'til the Doc walk in it

It's hard to get it started 'til I hopped off in it

Then it got so crunk one minute

Since ya dead, get the witnesses just listen

I came in hot, then I saw

As soon as I arrived then this shit popped of (shit popped off)"

So.......... Good! Dre, just release Detox, will ya? Pop that shit off.

C S Lewis Quotes

“If we find ourselves with a desire that nothing in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that we were made for another world.”


“We are not necessarily doubting that God will do the best for us; we are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be.”


“I pray because I can't help myself. I pray because I'm helpless. I pray because the need flows out of me all the time- waking and sleeping. It doesn't change God- it changes me.” 

New entry

So much to say.

I'm not going to bother writing another update. Let's just summarize by saying I'm slowly getting things done, focusing on trying to understand what exactly God wants for my life.

You know? When I became a Christian, there's this huge burden that was lifted off of me, slowly but surely, I picked up more things to hang on my shoulders. It's hard to deprogram my whole life, the way I see things, the way I think...

I read on C. S. Lewis that you never know how hard it is to be good until you try to do it. It's so true. It's so hard. It's depressing. You fail and fail again until a point where your self-esteem just plummets. Is this what I wanted for my life? I could have that back in my old life... I had plenty of things to put me down without the knowledge of how broken I am, how powerless I am.

It's scary too.

I got to a point where I think I just don't know anything, anymore. All my education, all my wits and intelligence, they mean nothing, all the traps in my life I was so sure I avoided, all the things I think I can do if I put my mind and my hard work into it... Nothing anymore.

I'm this 24 yr old terrified kid living life day by day, doesn't know what he's going to do next week, doesn't feel like leaving home to do anything, hoping he has his heart open every day for God to change him, trying not to care how long it takes.

(...)

I have an American Football playoff game tomorrow. Since a couple weeks ago I've been promising to a bunch of people I'll be there for the whole playoff run, and ever since the first promise I've been thinking how I want to get out of it, find a lie to skip it and just stay at home. 

I won't. I'll show up and suck up the two 5hour bus trips to probably not even play (let's say the coaches aren't particularly happy I've been almost 5 weeks away). But I'll be there. I love the game and I love my team. Somehow these people became family and I don't want to disappoint them this time.

What's my point with all this?

There's no point. I don't know what to make of all this. 

But here's something to make you and myself think: I've been 4 months trying to kill pride, selfishness and egocentricity inside me, and yet, I just wrote a wall of text talking about me and my problems. God is going to have his hands full trying to change this particularly screwed up human being.

Quick personal update...

So, I've been using World of Warcraft to get past some stuff in my mind.

Let me ramble for a second.

I know in my life I will always have tests, trials and tribulations. It's a bit annoying that some of them seem to repeat themselves.

Am I supposed to pass them in a better way? Some of these are really hard, and it doesn't depend solely on me, and it doesn't depend on God either, depend on other people. I get to a point there's only so much I can do, then time just has to pass... And things get back to normal.

I don't see how I can pass them much better than I have already. Maybe there is, since I'm on them, might as well try...

Anyway, back to World of Warcraft. 

Other than a couple American Football practices (which I skipped for a bunch of other reasons too) I haven't missed on any other social opportunity. Ok, I have cut on some time to write, organize myself and to think.

But I don't want to spend that much time thinking anyway. The stupid game allows me to be completely focused and distracted on something other than my repeated problems.

Also, it's fun to know people from other places. There's this dude from South Africa, that has a wife and a 4 yr old daughter that is really interesting.

He's sort of a stay at home dad, with his own IT company. My old self would think, "What a loser, a dude with all this is spending his days on a computer game...?", my new self is amazed that you can be a loving husband and father, and still be those kind of people that drown themselves on an hobby. Don't get me wrong, I still think it's not what I want for my life, nowhere near, but I can't judge it, really...

Something else I've been trying to implement in my life is to love everyone. Even my enemies. Not out of guilt, not because Christianity tells me to (well, sort of), but because I think I'll be happier if I can do it. It's the same as Forgiveness and Repentance. I think the genius of Forgiveness is to release the grip other people have on you. I think the genius of Repentance is to release the grip the past has over you.

It feels like God created us this way, and these Christian values are the secret to human nature and unlock everlasting happiness.

I think that's about it for today.

God bless you all.

Rui