Tomorrow...

It's so hard to imagine life 6 months from now, 1 year from now, 5 years from now.

It's one of the most human feelings, the anxiety about tomorrow.

And yet, when we look back, and we see our path until today, we see all the pieces falling in its place.

Easily.

Comfortably.

In the most unexpected ways.

Then the uncertainty about tomorrow kicks in. "Yes, all this seems to point in a good direction, but if I make one small step in the wrong direction, KABLOOM, the pieces will all explode! Breaking news: tomorrow is officially dead"

They don't. They won't. I can identify many small steps I took in the wrong direction, and yet, they didn't make the construction explode, most have given me some sort of skills I can use in my life, most have made me learn from mistakes, most helped weed out what I don't want in life, and ALL of them made me stronger, made me realize failure and pain are vital in the process of growing up.

University, and the pain that comes from it... It's not necessary in my life. I have enough pain from my other failures, from my struggles, my needs, my anxieties...

Besides, I'm pretty sure right now I don't want it, I really don't. Like most things in life, if you doubt it too much, if it feels weird or wrong, 99% of the times it is. All Friends and Family try to pull me in that direction, "you'll regret it" is said conscious and unconsciously... but it's just not me, not this degree, not this way, not at this time.

But I can use it.

I can use this big source of pain.

I can definitely use this "Oh, fucking balls, it's time to go to University again. I absolutely hate that shit." sentiment. I can use the "I can't bear these people, I don't want any kind of association with any of them" sentiment. I can use the knowledge of the 1000€+ I'm basically wasting on it.

It'll propel me to action. I can use it to fuel my desire to take more steps, right or wrong, until the point I've made so many right ones so fast that I can finally say to this source of pain: "you've done your purpose, I can finally say: 'Fuck you, I'm outta here', next challenge, please".

Because I've been way too slow taking steps.

Let's try this analogy: you can only build yourself by trying new pieces and see if they fit, if you stop constructing, out of laziness, or fear it might be the wrong piece, your construction is unfinished. Unfulfilled.

In conclusion, this anxiety about tomorrow was present 6months, 1 year, 3 years ago when my life was completely different, when I couldn't conceive I was going to be where I'm at. And yet, I survived, and I can look back and give the credit each action, good or bad, deserves.

In 6months, in 1year, I'll be looking back and doing the same exercise, probably still fearing the day after, but hopefully fearing it less than today, fearing it much less than 1 year ago.

It just needs practice, and bold fucking steps.

P.s: Besides, Christianity gives me the big picture. At the end of life most of these things won't matter... They're just illusions and distractions.

Take my point home, Bill.