Shake it out

It's always darkest before the dawn... *TUM*TUM*TUM*

Yeah...

This week flew by.

Son of a gun!

What do I have to say?

Lots of things.

I'm with a fucking flu again. Mild one, but my throat's been killing me since Sunday.

Last one was in December, so the one every three months ratio seems to be confirmed.

Voluntary work has been awesome. Regular work, not so much, but it'll be soooooooooo worth it at the end of the month.

My team has a game next Sunday. I'll probably miss it. I've skipped practices the last 2 weeks due to work and shit, and even today (last practice before game) I'm skipping because of the flu.

Ufffffffffff

What else, what else?

I'm so fucking tired... I've been sleeping an average of 5 hours a night...

Errrrrrr...

A lot of things on my mind, but I don't feel like talking about them right now.

In a nutshell: I've been crazy busy, in physical and mental pain, but in a great mood.

I'd hate if my life was this crazy busy all the time, but it's not. I'll just have to suck it up for a while. By Monday it should calm down, I should be healed from the flu and ready to organize and re-focus my life.

I'm going to eat now, and then sleep. Hopefully I get those slippery 8hours of sleep tonight. Tomorrow I have another 11hour shift at work.

Deal with it, son!

Errrrrrrrrr...

The spanish week will have to be postponed.

Another fucking bloated week shaping up.

And if I do what I plan, I'm going to spend the whole next week doing voluntary work... So...

Don't be surprised if the ratio of posts goes way down for a while.

I hate having my next two weeks completely clogged, but good thing is, I'm going to have a good month financially, and then doing some great voluntary work, which as I mentioned before, is something I've been struggling to implement in my life.

God is good.

HOLA!

Se recuerdan de mi?

Estoy de regreso.

Más una semana hablando español!

Yo hay dicho que lo haría de nuevo.

Esa vez tenemos una hora por día que podemos hablar otra lengua (portugués, inglés). No más que eso.

Mucha diversión nos espera :D

Here she is

Damn...

DAAAAAAAAAMN!

This...! Woman...!

Crap

I'm way too excited about tomorrow to go to sleep.

Daaaaaaamn.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

Well, since I'm already hyperactive, might as well go all out and spend a couple of hours listening to my muse singing.

Then around 1am I'll try to switch off my brain with Beethoven's symphonies or something like that.

I should probably also start getting my expectations about tomorrow under control.

Hmm...

Nah, fuck it. I want to wake up with that "today is going to be awesome" feeling, so I get my ass out of bed to go to swimming class early.

Wow!

I'm writing a lot of walls of text.

Gotta start simplifying again. Or at least head in that direction.

Here's a song to digest it.

Tomorrow...

It's so hard to imagine life 6 months from now, 1 year from now, 5 years from now.

It's one of the most human feelings, the anxiety about tomorrow.

And yet, when we look back, and we see our path until today, we see all the pieces falling in its place.

Easily.

Comfortably.

In the most unexpected ways.

Then the uncertainty about tomorrow kicks in. "Yes, all this seems to point in a good direction, but if I make one small step in the wrong direction, KABLOOM, the pieces will all explode! Breaking news: tomorrow is officially dead"

They don't. They won't. I can identify many small steps I took in the wrong direction, and yet, they didn't make the construction explode, most have given me some sort of skills I can use in my life, most have made me learn from mistakes, most helped weed out what I don't want in life, and ALL of them made me stronger, made me realize failure and pain are vital in the process of growing up.

University, and the pain that comes from it... It's not necessary in my life. I have enough pain from my other failures, from my struggles, my needs, my anxieties...

Besides, I'm pretty sure right now I don't want it, I really don't. Like most things in life, if you doubt it too much, if it feels weird or wrong, 99% of the times it is. All Friends and Family try to pull me in that direction, "you'll regret it" is said conscious and unconsciously... but it's just not me, not this degree, not this way, not at this time.

But I can use it.

I can use this big source of pain.

I can definitely use this "Oh, fucking balls, it's time to go to University again. I absolutely hate that shit." sentiment. I can use the "I can't bear these people, I don't want any kind of association with any of them" sentiment. I can use the knowledge of the 1000€+ I'm basically wasting on it.

It'll propel me to action. I can use it to fuel my desire to take more steps, right or wrong, until the point I've made so many right ones so fast that I can finally say to this source of pain: "you've done your purpose, I can finally say: 'Fuck you, I'm outta here', next challenge, please".

Because I've been way too slow taking steps.

Let's try this analogy: you can only build yourself by trying new pieces and see if they fit, if you stop constructing, out of laziness, or fear it might be the wrong piece, your construction is unfinished. Unfulfilled.

In conclusion, this anxiety about tomorrow was present 6months, 1 year, 3 years ago when my life was completely different, when I couldn't conceive I was going to be where I'm at. And yet, I survived, and I can look back and give the credit each action, good or bad, deserves.

In 6months, in 1year, I'll be looking back and doing the same exercise, probably still fearing the day after, but hopefully fearing it less than today, fearing it much less than 1 year ago.

It just needs practice, and bold fucking steps.

P.s: Besides, Christianity gives me the big picture. At the end of life most of these things won't matter... They're just illusions and distractions.

Take my point home, Bill.

Sooooo...

I cut all the fat on my week.

Only work, university(ugh), unavoidable social commitments, and Sunday's practice.

Oh and I need the swimming lesson on Friday morning.

Argh.

And the beta-talk on Friday night.

Ufff...

Well, that's it, though. Everything else gets cancelled or postponed.

Oh! One good thing happened! Yesterday I was writing until 5am, and I reached the goal I was supposed to, on March 31st.

Really really cool. Gotta ride this wave, and set new, more ambitious goals for April. I also already have an interesting one to do before March 31st comes.

This is me not ranting about my week...

I'm on the pursuit of happiness and I knowww...

Everything that shines ain't always gonna be gold.

Hey... I'll be fine once I get it in

I'll be gooooooooood...!

For realsies now...

I don't have time. I won't be pursuing many new projects that soon...

This annoys me.

I had a good relaxed weekend, and next thing I know... This week is fucking crowded. Starting tomorrow (Tuesday) at 2 pm, until Sunday around 9pm, my life is a fucking roller coaster.

Most things are very interesting or very financially beneficial, then there's University, a miserable, boring place I pledged to spend quite a chunk of my week at...

Ufff... I'm not going to rant about it again... But something tells me I'm not done with that decision.

Until I find a better balance, some other things will have to be cancelled or postponed. If/while I'm keeping University, I need time and space to vent.

And lots of it.

God help me.

I really need...

... To create my own podcast or radio channel or something like that.

The world needs my music!

or...

not.

Im'ma have to create that podcast though.

OH SHIT!

This is fucking glorious!

"Kid Cudi - Pursuit of Happiness (Steve Aoki remix)"

And that movie people keep talking about on the comments section ("Project X") doesn't seem that appealing, until you see it was directed by Todd Phillips ("The Hangover"). Maybe I'll sneak-peek it.

Before I go...

Remember this?

Fricking awesome, right?

How about this one:

This dude made some great songs. And videoclips.

Just re-structured my week points, challenges and finances

Bam!

Now I need to go buy groceries. I'm running low on almost everything.

Date-upping (get it?)

Miserable puns aside, yesterday I did write quite a bit.

Funny thing, I didn't write any of those chapters I mentioned here, I had an amazing idea and wrote about a completely different and important chapter at the beginning of book 2 (this chapter is very very important to set the stage where I want to be with some characters and the whole story at the end of book 1)

It's very intense and turns to be quite a sexual chapter. Well... Sexual may not be the word. I kinda left the door open for the really explicit stuff to be on the reader's mind (the point-of-view character is eavesdropping behind a door to the whole incident, and leaves before the nasty stuff, assuming what I expect the reader to assume as well, but not quite sure ;))

Anyway, why am I getting in such detail about this today?

Well... There's a big decision I have to make regarding my novel, and I've been struggling with it for quite a long time. You see, I'm leaning towards not using strong language and explicit content, so that younger public can read the book (it's not for the fucking money, don't even go there, it's to keep my story on a fairy-tale-like vibe), on the other hand, I want this story to be rich and working with deep, strong human emotions (how the fuck can I write a epic story about empires without using or mentioning sex and sexual desires?).

Imagine on one extreme you have Harry Potter and the other extreme A Song of Ice and Fire.

It's hard to balance this, I think kids won't understand the complexity of my characters, and adults aren't interested in the fairy-tale vibe I want to keep the story in.

Is it even possible to do both?

Let's not ramble.

Back to our issue: I can't please Greeks and Trojans, right? I just have to do something I'm happy with.

I'm just not sure where it is, I haven't crossed the line yet, leaving the door open for both.

If I had to bet, I think I'll probably fall more near the ASOIAF extreme. But who knows?

So...

Yesterday was really cool. Spent most of the day out, with family and friends.

Today... Is work day. I need to do a lot of writing if I want to achieve my writing goals by March 31st.

Not sure if I'll write on a chapter about a confrontation between an angry bitchy princess and an emperor, or write a chapter on a classical era comedian. lol. I know, great, interesting chapters, right?

The classical era comedian is on book 1, and since I need to evolve much more there (in order for this to progress), I should probably do this one. Also, I think it's an amazing character I want to introduce in the book: a mix of the comedian from Watchmen, George Carlin, and a Portuguese actor/comedian Raul Solnado. Also, I'd be writing stand-up comedy set in the Classical Era, which is a very interesting challenge...

So, yes, with so many advantages on writing the comedian, I'll probably be writing the chapter on the princess - emperor confrontation.

Artists work like this, don't worry. You wouldn't understand if I tried to explain.

I'll be listening to Jay-Z feat Yeezy album "Watch the Throne" during this time.

Shouldn't help, but... Hell, what is the fun of writing without a few things working against me?

Here's a taste:

BAM!

Just wrote 1001 words in 2 small hours.

Suck it!

(Now if you excuse me, I'm going to do conditioning until I puke. Yes, it's the amazing first practice after a bullshit-mistakes-riddled-game... Again...)

Before we go...

A word from one of our sponsors:

Restarts

Every month or couple of months I go through a ritual of re-finding myself and adjust sails according to where I want to go/be.

I'm still surfing the last time I did this, way back in January 20th: http://royrivers.blogspot.com/2012/01/on-roll-again.html

I can trace back to that time, my final stretch to find God, becoming much more productive writer, becoming a better friend, a better family member, a better teammate, and taking bold steps in my personal and professional life.

I believe it's not a coincidence I've become a Christian and I've been able to keep this up for such a long stretch of time, so, I should also give credit where credit is due.

I still find it important to go through that process again and again though. There's still a lot of improvement to make, I've lost track/speed on some of my goals, and there's still a couple of things I haven't been able to implement in my life yet.

Voluntary work for example.

As a university student, too.

This bloody game has been siphoning too many hours a week as well: http://www.paradoxplaza.com/games/crusader-kings-ii .

That game somehow also killed my "turn of the desktop pc and just work a couple of hours a day without it being on", and I want to re-implement it again.

And that's exactly what I'm going to do now.

Holy s*it

Remember when I said this: http://royrivers.blogspot.com/2012/02/damn-i-mean-daaaamn.html ?

The complete opposite just happened, with the same girl.

DAMN!

I guess these crushes have this small problem, when you get to know these people a bit better, there's a good chance they may have these fatal flaws.

I'm sorry, there's a point in which incorrect grammar becomes a big no-no.

Shit.

I'm fucked in this quest aren't I?

Good thing I believe in God, because I'm going to need a miracle.

And a song

Today was a buzzkill. Oof.

At least I'm getting pizza for dinner... That shit is going to save these whole 24 hours.

Something instructional...

Old people funny stuff

Saturday's game against the Warriors

We tied 6-6. We were lucky, the Defense stood up and scored a Touchdown 2 mins before the game ended on a muffed punt.

As projected, I played Offense, Defense and Special Teams. I'm sore all over, but nothing very bothersome.

On Defense I did nothing special all game. There were two passes thrown my way, one of them resulted in a 15 yard penalty on a bullshit Pass Interference call (the receiver ran against me), but it was mostly a calm day, their TD was on a quick pass to the Tight End because our offense went for it on 4th down and failed, 10 yards away from our end zone.

On Offense I was rotating at Running Back, took quite a beating since we always run the same plays, had some good stats, including a 16 yard run near the end of the game. Then, of course, our Center and Quarterback fumbled the snap twice in a row, we had to pass and since our Quarterback isn't used to throwing passes, the pass fell short of the receiver.

On Special Teams I played punt returner but never had a chance to get one ball, and covering for one guy hurt on the line, I managed to block their extra point after the touchdown. So if everything else sucked, I saved the team from losing this game 7-6.

Again, our offense marched slowly but steadily all over the field only to screw up whenever we were near their end zone. Penalties, ridiculous missed blocks, fumbles, you name it. Also, our coaches will sooner or later have to trust in the Quarterback to throw some passes and our kicker to kick some Field Goals.

Left the game with that horrible feeling I still had a lot left to give, and it's fucking ridiculous we tied against these guys.

Wednesday's conditioning is going to suuuuuuuuuuuuck.

So basically

I was with an horrible stomach pain all day, and spent most of the afternoon and evening napping, waiting/hoping for my body to regenerate.

Obviously now, there's no way I'm going to fall asleep before 5 or 6am.

Figured was a good time to catch up on my posting :D

Before I go silent for another 17 days or something, here's a great message:

"Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us."

- Romans 5:3-5

Duck face post test

Did you pass it? Now go out and play.

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Couple random pics

Couple random GIFs